The Island of the Girls with Hips
by Jennifer Lofquist

Remember the Island of Misfit Toys. 'Nobody wants a Charley in the Box.' My favorite part of that movie is that eventually the toys get to leave the island and live with kids who appreciate their differences and love the toys even if they aren’t the norm. This weekend I became convinced that there is a similar island called 'The Island of the Girls with Hips,'and it is only a matter of time before I’m taken in the night and forced to spend my life there. And I’ll have no hope for a happy ending. I have hips. I want that clear and up front. Protruding from either side of me, below my waist, are two bony knobs, which form what many doctors call 'baby-bearing hips.' These are obviously some sort of anomaly to the world, since at the mall this weekend I found no clothes that recognized them as normal.

Little skinny prepubescents swarmed Express and Lerners trying on 'slim' pants, while I desperately searched for 'big mama' pants that would go up past my thighs. I looked for skirts with an a-line, but was confronted by stretch pants and stick skirts. Have you ever seen stretch pants on a girl with hips? No? Ever thought to wonder why? Helpful salespersons suggested I try on larger and larger sizes to hide my 'flaws.' Eventually, I stopped by the grocery story, picked up some potato sacks and twist-ties, and went home.

Let me just put this straight. I am not fat. In fact, I’m decently thin. But I have that hourglass shape that supposedly is so desirable, but no clothing manufacturer admits exists. Shopping for skirts, pants, dresses is a nightmare and there are certain stores that I walk in knowing I’ll walk out in tears. Ann Taylor does not believe in hips. I don’t know if she has them or not, but I know she doesn’t allow anyone working at her stores to have them. Her dresses are cute little sheaths or slim skirts, where the waist and hips are different in circumference by about a half-inch. Express only believe in hips when you find the occasionally a-line skirt. Don’t even think of pants. Gap hates hips, but has made one concession – Reverse Fit jeans. Though hard to find, these jeans are the staples of my wardrobe and the only hint I have of a hip-friendly future.

Despite the lack of hips, the clothing designers these days have no lack of sex. From shirts you can’t dream of wearing unless your boobs don’t bounce, to skirts that make it illegal to sit down, they are selling sex. The tiny shirts that tie in the back may look cute but they bring out the devils in those of us who can’t find strapless bras that fit us successfully. I offered the Beloved 25 bucks per string to untie one of these tops at his last Christmas party. The lure of $75 failed, but you get my point. Perhaps it wouldn’t bother me so much if they sold sex to the people who really need sex.

14 year olds with no boobs and no hips do not need sex, and they certainly don’t need sexy clothing. They are 14. God has overrun them with hormones. Sexy clothing is like playing Russian Roulette with a semi automatic. Boys at 14 think that a girl looking at them for more than 5 seconds is sexy. Is a see through shirt really necessary? Those 14 year olds have 14 years before they hit our age, and they can just suffer with the same t-shirts and jeans we did. If we could get a date to prom wearing pastel striped sweaters, so can they.

Now, I, and my fellow twenty-somethings, need sexy clothing. We are looking down the barrels of our youth and know that unless we entrance men now, we’re doomed. We have to catch these guys before the effects of gravity get any worse. And many of us have hips. And boobs. And we want to look cute and sexy too. I want to flit around the Beloved and make him drool. I want his eyes to bug out and stare. I want him to be 14 again, all nervous and shy and so amazed that this sexy woman is in his arms. Unfortunately, I can’t find any sexy clothing because it’s all made for little girls, who should be concentrating on their math final.

Why hasn’t there been an outcry about this? Why haven’t women gathered together and pleaded for clothes that adorn what used to be considered the most beautiful part of us – our curves? After thinking about this, I’ve come up with only one conclusion. We’re being eliminated.

Slowly, but surely, we’re being taken out. We’re off to the Island, and it’s only a matter of time before they come and get us. Rather than making clothing for women that actually makes sense, they rather just higher professionals to kidnap us and get us out of the way. Then they can make all the sheath dresses, the hip-hugger pants, and the skimpy halter shirts they want. We won’t be able to stop them. But at least we’ll never have to see Kate Moss again.

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You can reach her at JenLofquist@yahoo.com and visit her website at:Jennifer E. Lofquist