Humor
The Insurance Claim
by Vicki Gladden
July 18, 2000
This letter is to cover many claim questions at one time. For some reason your organization balks at paying any claim until I have sent you a letter stating that I'm not going to sue another party, if the condition was pre-existing or if there is another insurance company you can milk before you pay our claims. I will be providing all information that is needed for all claims pending, including a few that have not been submitted because they just occurred within the last week, and to make sure that all is taken care of, I will sign with a notary present in blood taken from my youngest offspring's' scabbed over big toe.
My son was playing basketball at school and was pushed from behind by another child (see spawn of the devil) and he needed emergency room treatment. This included x-rays to rule out fractures. He required stitches, which will leave him scarred for life, not only physically but also emotionally, and to this day he hyperventilates when he sees a basketball. We cannot seem to find the brat who caused this to demand financial restitution. According to him (via obviously borrowed cell phone) he lives in a ravine off of I-95, parentless with only Pokemon cards to offer as payment for the injury he caused my poor little boy.
One son was hit in the head by his own brother (see grounded for life) in our backyard and he again needed emergency room treatment. I believe that I saved us both time and money by taking those stitches out myself. To sue would be silly because I doubt I could get my money's worth out of Harry Potter's Books and puppy mangled tennis shoes, especially since I bought them in the first place.
Our son was in our bathroom last Friday, when a sibling (see grounded for 4.5 lifetimes and anti depressants for Mom) pounded on the bathroom window, subsequently breaking it, causing him to receive a cut on his thumb that was only rivaled by the Grand Canyon in width. He required stitches to his thumb as well as a trip to McDonalds on the way home to make him feel better. He was also prescribed medication for infection, which he didn't take until infection actually did set in. The DR who stitched him up was obviously inebriated and my son, already deprived of a basketball career due to the previous injury might be destined to a shack in the woods writing about his childhood traumas while singing along with Britney Spears "Baby do it to me one more time." Still thinking about suing the sibling who did this, but might be willing to settle for baby-sitting. As you know, discussing this any further might hurt our chances in court, so please accept this as explanation in full.
The perpetrator of the above mentioned thumb stitching, having felt that her brother deserved a good warning for tattling on her for throwing his towel in the kiddy pool, (which, I, the mother, ignored completely, as I do most of their tattling) causing her to break the bathroom window while he was in there, also sustained cuts that she was seen for at the same time as the victim. Funny, as fate would have it, she barely needed a band-aid. She required no medication and was forced to eat a hamburger sans the cheese because it made me feel better to torture her by depriving her of cheese.
Just last Friday, one of our sons was seen at a local clinic for pink eye. (see Mom heading for a padded cell in the local mental ward) He was prescribed medication for this, which the dog ate when we got home. Turned out to not be pink eye after all, but the dog sure got sick. Neither the dog or my son have any other insurance coverage.
My 3 year old daughter was playing outside in the backyard and she and the dog collided causing her to fall down and break her leg. (see mom on sedatives) She was treated at the hospital where they made us wait forever and a day to splint it and send us to an orthopedic DR. The dog, while physically unharmed, is now in therapy to deal with the guilt she feels as my injured daughter scoots around on the floor like a crawdad with hair. This is separate from the injury treated a few months ago when she got her big toe stuck in the toilet and sprained her ankle, and it's the left leg in a cast this time, unlike when she broke it while chasing a squirrel up that tree last summer.
I have been seen recently by my Dr at his office, the local hospital Emergency Room and the same clinic that my son was treated at for pink eye for treatment of a sinus infection, fluid behind the ears and bronchitis working into pneumonia (see scheduled voluntary lobotomy on Mom). I apologize for the amount of antibiotics you have been forced to help pay for, but all I got out of antibiotic 1 and 2 was the need for yeast infection medication, which I paid for all by my little itchy lonesome. Other than the fact that I'm sitting here with tissue stuffed up each nostril, I'm doing quite well physically, though I'm heartbroken that I didn't even rate a Chicken McNugget for MY pain and suffering. I have no other insurance coverage, and if I did, they would have dumped me years ago.
