Teen Tips

The Fear of Using Natural Consequences
by Carol Shepley

I am not a taxi waiting to be flagged down at any moment; I am a minicab for hire at certain pre-arranged times. Steven knows how much this annoys me and so on the day he went into Woking to meet his girlfriend, he was prepared. “Don’t worry mum, I can catch the bus after school” he informed me. “How are you going to get home?” I enquired. “I’ll catch the bus or something, or maybe you can pick me up” he replied rather vaguely. “Well just remember, it’s Tuesday night which is my night in front of the TV, if you don’t call me before 8 you can forget any lift.” “Ok, ok” he replied as if I had just given him an hour’s lecture and off he went.

It was 8:10 when the phone rang “Can you come and pick me up please mum?” he asked in a cheery voice. “But Steven, its after 8 and I’m watching my program” I replied. “Oh” he said in a sombre voice and all went quiet. “I thought you were going to get the bus home?” I prompted. “I’ve spent all my money” came back the still sombre voice. “So what are you going to do then?” I asked, doing my best to keep my cool and not get annoyed at the thought of having to interrupt my evening to collect him. “I suppose I’ll have to walk home then,” he volunteered. “Well it’ll take just over an hour but you’ve got an hour and a half before it gets dark” I concluded, smiling to myself as I could almost hear him squirming to himself. And then I waited for the pleading to start. But it never did, he just said “Ok, I’ll see you when I get home. Bye” And that was it, he hung up.

Now it was my turn to feel dreadful. What had I done? I was letting my only just 14yr old son walk several miles home at 8:15 at night. What if there was a bad man out there? What if he had an accident? What if he got lost? All these thoughts and more rushed through my head. Fortunately I was able to put my objective hat on. The route he was taking was well lit and well used. He had his mobile, which he could use to call me if anything happened. He was close to the hospital (well that may not have been strictly an objective thought, but it was true). But most importantly, my son believed he was capable of doing it and I had to give him the opportunity to show me and, more importantly himself that he could; I had to believe and trust in him.

I have to say that by 9:30 I was beginning to get pretty frantic. I desperately wanted to call and check on where he was, but something held me back. At 9:35 he returned home “Everything OK?” I asked, trying not to allow my relief to show through “Yeah” he said as he headed to the kitchen. “Didn’t take you too long then?” I gingerly ventured, still trying to gauge his mood. “No…” he replied, as he headed upstairs. “What are you going to do now?” I continued. “Gonna chat to my friends” he said and so off he went, no attitude, no anger, just sounding a little tired.

From then on he started to use his bike; he was not going to depend on me; he’d found out the hard way that I was not there at his beck and call. And as for me, I learnt that my son could be relied upon to take responsibility for himself.

The concept of using natural consequences is nothing new and it is an extremely good way of teaching a teen to realise the implications of their actions and for them to change their behaviour as a result. But for a parent, it can be torture. The fear, anxiety and concern that you, the parent, experience can sometimes feel overwhelming. It is all too easy to just run out and rescue your teen.

But unless the teen actually experiences the consequences of their action then the lesson is rarely learnt. They may understand the implications intellectually but they usually have to experience the outcome physically and emotionally to get the full impact. Not only that, by rescuing, you are also depriving your teen of an opportunity to build their confidence and self-belief, two essential ingredients for a happy and successful life.

A much better course of action is for you to deal with your own feelings. Realize that these feelings are normal; they are just standard ‘parent protecting their young’ type of feelings. But now your ‘young’ is getting older and needs to start going out on their own. So check out the practicalities. Ensure that your teen’s plan is safe and sensible and that they have a contingency option if necessary. Obviously if safety is a genuine issue, you will need to act accordingly but that does not mean you need to always do a full-scale rescue. Sometimes it is about mixing the two.

Seeing your teen deal successfully with situations is more than worth the effort. Not only do they feel more confident about themselves, but you feel more confident about their ability to cope as well. Allowing you to let them take the next steps towards responsibility and independence with much less fear and anxiety. And given that the teenage years are all about letting go and letting your teen do things on their own, dealing with these feelings successfully is essential if you are to have any peace of mind during this time.

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