A monthly online magazine chock-full of insightful articles for busy mothers.

Joan and Ray take us into Lakeport, a very cute town.
The Morning was a wee bit misty:

From Lakeport, CA_3_07_09

We went to Konocti Resort and took a picture of the extinct Volcano

From Lakeport, CA_3_07_09

Concerts are held at the resort. Boats can pull up and listen to the music or attend in the stadium.

From Lakeport, CA_3_07_09

After thate we went onto Kelseyville

From Lakeport, CA_3_07_09

Where we went to Wildhurst Winery. We enjoyed their wine all weekend long. In addition to being grape growers, they also grow pears.
You can read their newsletter here:

We went back to the cabin and Joan, Bernie and I went back out to some local thrift shops where I picked up a couple of vases for my mantel (one broke), at Penny Lane:

From Lakeport, CA_3_07_09

The same evening we went to Sicily’s for a very tasty dinner.
http://lakeconews.com/content/view/5172/764/

She publishes a Swedish cookbook that begins with, “Add two pounds of butter, two gallons of cream and a quart of sugar…”

She had the bridesmaids’ wear dresses with wide blue and yellow stripes at her wedding.

She tries to administer coffee and pastry to a man choking in a restaurant.

She asks the grocery store manager where she can find the ice cream with meatballs.

She scolds her children for eating their vegetables before their rice pudding dessert (“It will ruin your appetite…”).

She serves tiny mashed potato sandwiches for appetizers.

She names her triplets Arvid, Arvid, and Arvid (after her husband and his two older brothers).

She puts a smorgasbord (a buffet of 20 different entrees) daily in her daughter’s lunch box (“Oofta mia…A child cannot think on an empty stomach…”).

She drinks her black coffee from a saucer with a sugar cube tucked in the side of her mouth (the cup is filled with heavy cream just in case she needs a swig).

She cuts a homemade doughnut in half  – then eats both halves.

She demands to know why Starbucks does not have lutefisk flavored coffee (lutefisk is a dried codfish preserved in lye).

She has a bumper sticker that reads, “I brake for sugar and blonde wood furniture.”

She marvels at the condensation on the bottom of her milk glass, which takes the shape of cinnamon rolls.

She starts all out preparation for St. Lucia Day in July, and wonders aloud why it’s not a bank holiday.  
She complains that accordion players never win a Grammy.

She rides her large Dala wooden horse, when no one is watching. 
She believes a mom is as strong as her coffee.

By Cheryl Moeller

Cheryl Moeller is a stand up comic, syndicated mom humor columnist, retreat/conference speaker, and mom of 6.  She uses her over-the-counter-top humor to show moms the humor in the everydayness of life.  Check out her humor, books, and musings at http://momlaughs.blogspot.com.

©Lisa Barker

My home looks like the typical baby-proofed home: guards on the electrical outlets, covers on the doorknobs, latches on the cupboards, and gates strategically set up to keep knee-high explorers safe. Which they don’t. All they do is make life more challenging for the adults in the household.

These gadgets are outdated and no match for the baby of the new millennium. It only took two months before both toddlers understood how to get around these impediments to their curiosity. (Even the kittens know how to take out the little plastic pieces that plug into the outlet.)

Needless to say, the gates are all looking haggard and bent and they are pretty much useless due to little ones either running full speed into them to crash them down or wearing them down by scaling them.

The dilemma? How to keep the little ones out of rooms they don’t belong in. The solution? Animatronics.

No kidding. I have one toddler that is scared to death of a dancing musical chicken I have (it clucks to the ever-popular ‘Chicken Dance’ song) and another that is terrified of the cute blue fuzzy monster made famous by Disney’s “Monsters Inc.”

So I have placed these motion sensory activated toys EXACTLY where I don’t want the kids to tread. The results? Success!

Now I have both the pleasure of warding off children and hearing their screams so I know exactly where they are in the house. (In my childhood my mother and grandmother had eyes behind their backs. Now, as a parent, I have dancing toys that look possessed.)

“ROWWWWWWWRRRR!” says the blue monster. “EEEEEEEEEEEK!” says my one-year-old.

“Get away from the computer!” I warn from across the house.

“Pu-cock, PU-COCK!” pipes up the chicken. “Shrieeeeek!” screams my three-year-old.

“Get out of the kitchen!” I call out from another room.

So I’ve stocked up on animated toys…and now my home looks like an exhibit at Disneyland. And the toddlers sit quietly with unblinking eyes and severe facial tics…but let me point out that they are QUIET and not getting into everything.

And all this I do, not for some sense of retribution (to pay the little goobers back for constantly eking away at my own nerves)–oh, no! No, not at all, no siree, Bob. I’m doing this for their safety. Yeah, that’s it.

Heaven knows I love these little ones and wouldn’t want a thing to happen to them. Now pass me the remote. There’s this talk show I want to catch while somewhere down the hall a chicken dances and a monster growls….

LISA BARKER is a syndicated humor columnist and mom of five. Her latest book is “Before I Had Kids I Was A Size 9″ See www.JellyMom.com for more information.