A monthly online magazine chock-full of insightful articles for busy mothers.

Adapted from Mother Nurture: A Mother’s Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, by Rick Hanson, Ph.D., Jan Hanson, Lac., Ricki Pollycove, M.D. Copyright © 2002. Reprinted by arrangement with Viking Penguin, a division of Penguin Putnam Inc.

I did all the organizing for our son’s second birthday, hoping that Bob would help out during the party itself. But no, he spent the whole time talking with his buddies while I raced around doing everything, except for when he cut the cake and then looked at me like he deserved some kind of reward! I want someone who doesn’t need me to stamp my feet to get some help, who takes initiative with the kids and the house, whose mind is not elsewhere all the time. Somebody who does things because he wants to do his share, not just to get me off his back. I need to really feel like I have another half.

Some couples are equal partners in the work of making a family. But that’s the exception, since many studies have found that the average mother is on-task, working away at one thing or another, about twenty hours a week MORE than her partner is, whether or not she is drawing a paycheck. And if she has no partner, in most cases just about all of the work of raising children falls to her alone.
If you are one the many mothers who would like more help from the father of your children, we suggest you do two things:

• Establish the facts of who is doing what – One good way is to keep a fair record several days or a week of how each of you spends your time (keep it simple, and don’t take more than five minutes a day to track your time); facts are facts!

• Communicate your principles as to why it’s fair and good for the children, you – and him – for the total workload that comes with children to be shared more equally.

Here are examples of principled responses to various objections we’ve heard fathers make to carrying more of the total load; please adapt them to your own needs and voice:

• He says: “I’m not as good at it as you are. Plus the kids go to you anyway.”
You say: “Like anything, you just need to practice a little. The kids will get used to you doing certain things, and I’ll direct them to you more. Plus you could initiate and not wait for the kids to come to me. Additionally, even if I’m the one who always washes their hair, you could still help more by reading to them or cleaning up the kitchen.”

• He says: “You always interfere, and I’ve quit trying.”
You say: “I don’t always interfere, but I do sometimes. I’m trying to help, anyway, not interfere, but I can understand that you feel crowded, so I’ll promise to back off.”

• He says: “You just want someone to do things for you.”
You say: “Nope, I want you to do things with me. It’s not just about getting stuff done. When you do your part, it makes me feel connected to you, like I’m not alone and we’re in this together. I made a baby with you and I would love for us to share that experience in a happy way together.”

• He says: “I do more than my dad did.”
You say: “That’s great, and I appreciate it. But there is still more to do if we’re going to be fair about it.”

• He says: “That’s woman’s work.”
You say: “There is no law that says so. You did dishes before you met me, and it wasn’t women’s work then. I don’t think you take it easy while I wash clothes or give the kids a bath out of high moral principle, but simply because that’s your personal preference. You’re just as capable as I am of putting a child to sleep or feeding a toddler.”

• He says: “My job is so stressful that I need to rest at home.”
You say: “Remember how you nearly fainted with relief when I finally got home after you were alone with the kids that one time for a few hours? Now imagine doing that for many hours instead of a few, and for a thousand days instead of one. If we’re talking about getting a break based on the stress level of our typical day, in fairness I deserve rest at least as much as you.”

• He says: “Making a living counts for more than raising children.”
You say: “I believe that it’s the other way around. Child rearing counts for more since it so directly impacts our precious children. And it’s usually harder, day after day. I am not setting child rearing above making a living. But it is at least equal.”

• He says: “I make all the money, so you should handle the housework and kids.”
You say: “I do handle the housework and kids while you are making money. I’m talking about what you do when you’re not commuting or at work. You wanted children and now we’ve got them. You can see that it’s best for them when we are both involved in the morning, at night, or over the weekend. Speaking personally, it does not feel fair for me to keep on going while you watch TV or go out with your friends. How would you feel about someone at work who did that sort of thing while you kept getting things done? Would you feel resentful? Would you be eager for them to do their share?”

• He says: “I make more money than you.”
You say: “I appreciate all the money you bring into our family. But that does not change what is good for our children and our relationship when we are both at home in the mornings, evenings, and weekends.” (And follow with the points just above.)

• He says: “It’s because you’re working that the kids need so much and there’s so much housework.”
You say: “I think that’s hitting below the belt. If I didn’t work, our kids would still need you to help out in the evenings and weekends. We need my salary, and even if we didn’t, I have as much right to work as you. Besides, we could just as well turn the point against you: The kids wouldn’t need so much if you, their father, stayed home. In fairness, the hard choices between career and time with children should fall just as much on a father as a mother. We both work, we both need to parent, and we both need to do housework.”

• He says: “Quit telling me what to do.”
You say: “I don’t want to tell you what to do. Usually I try not to. And if I ever do, it’s because you won’t make a reasonable agreement with me about who does what—or you make one but don’t stick with it. I’m the messenger of what our kids or home needs, so please don’t be angry at me for just bringing the message. If you saw what needed doing in the first place, I wouldn’t have to bring a message at all. Besides, why is it fair for you to tell me what to do about the car or computer or mutual fund or whatever but I can’t tell you anything about what to put in a lunchbox?”

• He says: “Get off my back, or else.”
You say: “I’d be glad to talk about this when you’re calmer. But I’m going to ask: What’s the “or else”? Are you really going to hit me or walk out on your kids because I’m tired of picking your socks off the floor? Because I’d appreciate it if you’d get home sooner? Your kids need you to be more involved, I need it, and our marriage does, too.”

* * *

(Rick Hanson, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson, M.S., L.Ac., is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and son, ages 13 and 16. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the first and second authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother’s Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin. You can see their website at www.nurturemom.com or email them with questions or comments at info@nurturemom.com; unfortunately, a personal reply may not always be possible.)

I can’t tell you how long “Learn to Meditate” has been sitting on my life-goals list. Not on my ho-hum to-do list, next to “schedule teeth cleaning” or “buy Huggies Pull-Ups.” I’m talking about the biggie, the list that serves as the repository for my deepest desires for myself, like “Find Hubby” and “Have Baby.” That’s how important I consider meditation to my overall health and wellness.

So if it’s so important, why haven’t I tackled it before now? I guess I wasn’t ready. Though I’m sure I could’ve benefited from meditation at earlier stages of my life, I was just too antsy to explore it (and yes, I see the irony in that). Another big reason is that I’d always assumed meditation required a lot of skill and knowledge. Not so. As it turns out, meditation is just like so many other things in life. Sometimes you just have to wade into the shallow end and start splashing around. “There’s no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ with meditation,” says intuitive guru Michele Bernhardt, a multitasking healer, astrologer, and metaphysician who’s produced several guided meditation CDs. (Learn more at her brilliant website, www.myinnerworld.com.) ”A big part of meditation is your intention.”

So at least intend to give meditation a shot, and in the process, you’ll be giving yourself the opportunity to relax, gain mental clarity, and connect with your spirituality.

Go with the Flow

As I said, I hope you don’t take a page out of my book by contemplating meditation for a good ten years before actually trying it. To help you move your intention into reality and make the whole shebang that much more compelling, here’s a list of tips:

•Designate a sacred space: For me, it’s my walk-in closet. I love the girl-power vibe — the shoes, the dresses, the purses. Attached to my office, my walk-in is a key part of my “Dana Zone.” I’ve stocked it with a few small pillows and a beautiful meditation mat Bernhardt gave me years ago. In one of my shoe cubbies, I’ve stashed a gorgeous sand timer, pictures of the ocean, candles, meditation CDs, and a player. Though pillows and candles are the norm, trick out your own sacred space with treasures that speak to you.

•Create a ritual: This can involve repeating a mantra, listening to particular music (I like Gregorian chants, but you might prefer wind chimes, Tibetan bells, etc.), or inhaling certain scents. “I think, deep inside, most of us love a ritual,” says Bernhardt. “So use sounds, a candle, or some kind of scentlike incense or myrrh. Patchouli is also perfect. With a scent, right away your body says, ‘Okay, I’m ready.’”

•Make sure you’re comfy: Sorry, that means no Spanx. (Kidding. Sort of.) If you’re not keen on sitting on the floor with your back erect and your hands on your knees, you can sit in a chair. Just make sure you’re maintaining good posture, that you’re positioned a few inches away from the back of the chair, and that your feet are on the floor. Kneeling is another possibility, though you might want to use a pillow for support.

•Observe your thoughts without “feeding” them: We discuss how tricky this is below, but it becomes easier once you realize that it’s all about detachment. For instance, if, midmeditation, you think about the fact that you need to take your DD to the doc, you say to yourself, ”I’m having a thought about needing to take the baby to the pediatrician.” What you don’t do is take that original thought to the next level, as in, “Next Tuesday afternoon might work” or “I hope the poor little doll doesn’t need too many shots.” Just let those snippets pass in and out without reaction.

themotherload

“I’ve gotten much more deeply spiritual since I had my child. I trace it directly to being pregnant with him. I was introduced to the notion that our babies choose us as parents. Well, that terrified me to my core. So, I started an intense inner dialogue with my unborn child about who I really am, what kind of mother I hoped to be, my hopes and dreams, etc. To do that, I had to really dig deep and explore the whole ‘Who Am I? Why Am I Here?’ business. It got me on the path that has led to my becoming a meditation coach. I meditate daily and love it. ”

Copyright © 2010 Dana Wood, author of Momover: The New Mom’s Guide to Getting It Back Together (even if you never had it in the first place!)!

by Marty Babits, LCSW, BCD,
Author of The Power of Middle Ground: A Couple’s Guide to Renewing Your Relationship

If you need help regulating and resolving conflict, these guidelines are for you. They can help you make difficult conversations productive, steer you and your partner away from destructive talk, and help you nurture an atmosphere of emotional safety. Adopting these guidelines, whenever pertinent, will safeguard the middle ground within your relationship:

Avoid generalizing and stereotyping. Do not generalize about your partner’s moods. When you think you know how your partner feels, but don’t stop to ask or listen, they’ll often feel neglected and misunderstood. Rule of thumb: there is often a difference between how your partner feels and how you think they feel. Your partner’s sense of emotional safety, as a result of generalizing, can become depleted.

Do not blurt responses. Do you identify with the following statement: “I didn’t even know what I was going to say until I heard myself saying it.” If so, this is an especially important guideline for you. Monitor your thoughts while speaking with your partner. There is always more than one way to say something, choose according to the effect you want your remark to have. Do not blurt the first thing that comes to mind at your partner.

No name calling. If you are disgusted with something that is going on and call your mate something mean, the communication flow stops. And turning it back on becomes more and more difficult, in proportion to the amount of name-calling that goes on. When thinking before speaking, edit out the put-downs. Basic as the guidelines may seem, under stress, sticking to them is a challenge for us all.

Speak honestly and judiciously. The abiding ways that you feel — positive and negative — need to be represented in your dialogue with your partner. Keeping dominant thoughts and feelings buried will not further the relationship. But pay close attention to how you share information. Notice for signs that your partner is getting flooded. Do not keep talking if they are feeling overwhelmed! Conveying your messages with finesse and forethought will payoff big time in trust and emotional safety dividends.

Develop patience. Sustain it. Patience within a specific talk and in the pacing of your dialogue overall can make a critical difference to relationship healing. Patience and humility blended together compose emotional stamina, which is fundamental to the creation of a secure long-term love relationship. Healing your relationship without patience? It’s impossible. So work on this one!

Think about what your partner says in terms of who your partner is. You need to develop a “relationship” perspective that features a good grasp of how the situation is understood by your partner as well as by yourself. Remember — understanding how your partner feels from within his or her purview does not mean you are acknowledging that their perspective is correct. You are not surrendering your point of view. You are simply acknowledging that yours is not the only legitimate point of view.

Time-out signal — have it in place; use it as needed. Using time-outs can allow you a sense of control in the pacing of your dialogue. In the case of complex and/or difficult emotional issues this can make the difference between whether you can or can’t discuss an issue productively. Without a pre-arranged signal to allow a safe method for temporarily suspending the dialogue, restarting it will be more difficult. Using time-outs does not mean that difficult issues go unaddressed. It does mean that partners have to work as a team to keep the flow of conversation going — not simply within a single talk but between talks as well. Carve a niche in your relationship that honors this dimension of awareness and sensitivity.

Can these seven guidelines help save a floundering relationship? The short answer is yes. Yes, they can. If you follow them consistently, you will see results. Putting these into practice with your partner will help you both learn to understand each other better, and come to find your middle ground.
© 2010 Marty Babits, LCSW, BCD, author of The Power of the Middle Ground: A Couple’s Guide to Renewing Your Relationship
Author Bio
Marty Babits, LCSW, BCD (New York, NY), author of The Power of the Middle Ground: A Couple’s Guide to Renewing Your Relationship, is a psychotherapist in private practice and a member of the Executive Supervisory Committee of FACTS (the Family and Couples Treatment Service) of the Institute for Contemporary Psychotherapy.

For more information, please visit www.PowerOfTheMiddleGround.com

By Laura Berman Fortgang,
Author of The Little Book on Meaning: Why We Crave It, How We Create It

Summertime is a time of great romance. Single people find each other after the dearth of winter as they sun in the park, do outdoor activities, and party with friends at outdoor spots. Not to say that all summer romances are just meaningless flings, but you have to admit that some are. If that leaves you flat and feeling empty and maybe not even willing to try, here is a new way to look at summer love that could make it meaningful and maybe even long-lasting.
Mystery — Part of what makes summer love so much fun is the mystery of a new, attractive person in your life. The awe with which you discover a new person is the same awe that you can enjoy in all parts of your life. Rediscover the reverence for life and the fantastic elements that make up yours. Use the slower days of summer to take the time to slow your personal pace and rediscover your whole life, not just your love life. At the same time, embrace the mystery of where the relationship may end up and rediscover yourself in the process.

Minister — Think of being a friend before jumping the gun to life-long romance and you might just be building the foundation for a very lasting relationship. Friendship is the wick that burns all the way through a relationship. Build that underlying support by ministering to one another. In other words, be with the person knowing there is a more than meets the eye and that the bumps and bruises are just as precious as the initial facade. Recognize that you are both brought together for mutual growth whether it means you’ll be together forever or not.

Magnificence — New love allows to see the magnificence in each other early and powerfully. This time, turn the great feeling you have of new love on to yourself. See yourself through the eyes of your new partner and take the opportunity to take stock of what is great about you. Use that then again to see what’s great about everyone you meet and the natural world around you. The feeling of meaning that will result , with practice, can last even when the ‘gaga’ stage is over.

Mind — Something that new romance does for us is keep us very focused on the present moment. Looking into someone’s eyes, exploring one another’s bodies, lingering over a meal and talking — all of these describe being very, very present and attentive. That’s why it feels meaningful. Really, we can create that in our lives in other places. Learning to quiet the mind and keep it from wandering into the past where we remember pain or into the future where we set expectations that can’t always be met. To stay in the present with no matter what you are up to can make for a lot of meaningful moments, peace and tranquility. Something we can all use.

Mystic — A sense of the divine seems to shine through in a new romance. We marvel at the magical circumstances that brought us together or we float in a suspended reality of feeling very close to someone. This awareness of coincidence and the connectedness of our lives is really available everywhere. We can feel full and alive connecting with ourselves, nature and the universe when we use the lesson of new love as guidance to a more fulfilling life overall.

To recognize summer romance as something that can be meaningful no matter how long it lasts is to bring you to a new understanding about yourself that will serve you for years to come.

©2009 Laura Berman Fortgang, author of The Little Book on Meaning: Why We Crave It, How We Create It
Author Bio
Laura Berman Fortgang, author of The Little Book on Meaning: Why We Crave It, How We Create It, is a nationally renowned speaker and life coach, helping individuals, small businesses, and corporations forge new directions and weather change. Recently ordained as an interfaith minister, she lives in Montclair, New Jersey.

Hunter and Haley have been married nearly ten years. They already have two preschoolers. To outsiders, their marriage would appear to be a success, but not everything is as appearances suggest. Before they were married Hunter wanted to go overseas and teach English in a two-thirds world country. Haley resisted the idea, citing health concerns, poor pay, and the lack of good schools for their children. To accommodate his wife, Hunter reluctantly gave up his dream and has spent his career in a civil service position instead.

Today he finds himself struggling with anger and resentment toward her. He seems obsessed with the past, imagining what life could have been like it he had not listened to her. “If only,” he says day after day to himself. “If only I had followed my heart.”

Jack and Courtney have been married seven years. Jack comes home from work one day and finds the house strangely quiet. When he walks up to their bedroom, he discovers Courtney’s closet is empty. Bewilderment soon gives way to panic, and Jack begins furiously searching the house for some clue to what has happened. In his hunt, he at first misses the obvious – a note pinned to a throw pillow on the bed. Trembling, he picks it up and scans its contents.

“Dear Jack, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. But it’s the only way I know to get your attention. I’ve been trying to tell you for a long time that I couldn’t go on with things the way they are. But you wouldn’t listen. Maybe now you will. Don’t try to contact me. Right now I just need space. Don’t worry about Lexi, I have her with me. Love, Courtney.

Jim and Jen are on the third day of their honeymoon in the Caribbean. Seated on the balcony of their hotel room overlooking the crystal-green ocean and coral white beaches, Jen believes it is an ideal setting for love. But Jim is unusually quiet.

“What’s wrong dear?” she asks, reaching out for his hand.

Jim feigns a smile. “Nothing, sweetheart.”

“No, really, something’s bothering you. Please tell me what it is.”

Jim looks away, a pained expression on his face. “I’ve been struggling the last few days. I…I’m not sure I should have married you, I just don’t know if I love you or not.”

Jen stares at her new husband for a moment, then she runs inside the hotel room. Jim can hear muffled sobs. He feels awful for what he just said but it is true. At last his agony is out.

What do these three stories have in common? They’re stories of marriages that have gone from “the better” to the “the worse.” They’re stories of people who need to learn to love each other again and to discover that God’s plan for their lives includes the person they married “for keeps.”

Many people believe that lifetime love is only for the lucky or the strong. God’s design for marriage is for every couple to know true intimacy, deep fulfillment, and the exhilarating experience of being lo ved just for who they are.

Yes, the design for marriage and the reality of marriage often don’t match. Each year millions of couples choose divorce, adultery, or an armed truce as a means of coping with a disappointing marriage. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Is Love only for the Lucky? No, instead hope, love, grace, a fresh start, a second chance – these are the essentials of renewing a marriage when the going gets tough.

When Bob was in high school he worked nights as a janitor in the Department of Agriculture building. Besides cleaning bathrooms and emptying wastebaskets, he was assigned a highly critical task: buffing the tile floors on the perimeter of the office complex.

You might not be familiar with what a buffing machine looks like. It resembles an upright vacuum cleaner with handlebars and a giant circular disk on the bottom the size of a manhole cover. As the disk spins around at the speed of light, it polishes the floor.

Using only one finger, the foreman demonstrated the relative ease of operating this high-powered machine. He slid the machine effortlessly back and forth across the tile. Together, he and the buffing machine resembled an Olympic figure skating pair, gliding on ice, responding in perfect synchronization to each other’s moves.

“There they go, Katie. This is the last move in the compulsories. They’re going to attempt a double axle. Yes! They’ve done it! A perfect 10!

“Do you think you can handle it?” the foreman asked.

“Piece of cake,” Bob replied.

As the foreman waved good-night, Bob swaggered up to the machine like John Wayne approaching a horse. Bob grabbed both handles, closed his eyes, and squeezed the trigger. The machine bolted away from me like a crazed Doberman pinscher on a short leash.

Bob desperately tried to hang on as the machine careened from one side of the hallway to the other. It would bang into one side of the wall and then anot he r. Bob consoled himself with the Russian proverb, “Every beginning is hard.” In this case it was brutal.

Then the worst case scenario happened. As Bob went past the head supervisor’s office (the Grand Poobah of the Agriculture Department), his buffing machine leaped from the floor onto his carpet. Bob stood helpless, unable to react as the buffing machine whirled round and round, driving all the dirt, wax, and foreign particles from the hallway deep into the plush pile of the chief executive’s carpet. Bob buffed the boss’ rug! Stunned, he left from the office before he could do any further damage, dragging the machine with him.

The next day he came to work prepared to pick up his last paycheck. As he approached the foreman, a grin crept across his face. “I see you had a little problem last night.”

“I guess it got away from me.” he mumbled.

“Don’t worry. I cleaned it up before work this morning. The supervisor doesn’t know anything about it. You’ll ge t the hang of it.”

For reasons he still doesn’t understand he was given a second chance when he really didn’t deserve one. That’s the nature of grace.

You may have been pummeled, punched, and dragged down the hallway by the disappointments in your marriage. The fabric of your relationship maybe marred by deep, ugly, and stubborn memories. You may be all but certain it’s over. That’s where the power and strength of your vows can carry you through the tough times you’re facing. You can learn to love again. It’s not just luck.

Your promises to each other can put your marriage back on track. But to turn “for worse” into “for better” you will need to give and receive grace from one another. You will need to put the past behind and allow love to be rekindled. You will need to go beyond disappointment and despair and seek the beauty and reality of true intimacy. Fortunately, God is in the buiness of grace and will help you each step of the way.

A friend of ours was going through a difficult phase in his marriage when he came home one day to find the oak coat rack standing in the middle of the hallway. His wife had covered it with yellow ribbons and placed on it a note that read, “Who cares if it’s not a real oak tree? Any old oak tree will dHunter and Haley have been married nearly ten years. They already have two preschoolers. To outsiders, their marriage would appear to be a success, but not everything is as appearances suggest. Before they were married Hunter wanted to go overseas and teach English in a two-thirds world country. Haley resisted the idea, citing health concerns, poor pay, and the lack of good schools for their children. To accommodate his wife, Hunter reluctantly gave up his dream and has spent his career in a civil service position instead.

Today he finds himself struggling with anger and resentment toward her. He seems obsessed with the past, imagining what life could have been like it he had not liste ned to her. “If only,” he says day after day to himself. “If only I had followed my heart.”

Jack and Courtney have been married seven years. Jack comes home from work one day and finds the house strangely quiet. When he walks up to their bedroom, he discovers Courtney’s closet is empty. Bewilderment soon gives way to panic, and Jack begins furiously searching the house for some clue to what has happened. In his hunt, he at first misses the obvious – a note pinned to a throw pillow on the bed. Trembling, he picks it up and scans its contents.

“Dear Jack, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. But it’s the only way I know to get your attention. I’ve been trying to tell you for a long time that I couldn’t go on with things the way they are. But you wouldn’t listen. Maybe now you will. Don’t try to contact me. Right now I just need space. Don’t worry about Lexi, I have her with me. Love, Courtney.

Jim and Jen are on the third day of their ho neym oon in the Caribbean. Seated on the balcony of their hotel room overlooking the crystal-green ocean and coral white beaches, Jen believes it is an ideal setting for love. But Jim is unusually quiet.

“What’s wrong dear?” she asks, reaching out for his hand.

Jim feigns a smile. “Nothing, sweetheart.”

“No, really, something’s bothering you. Please tell me what it is.”

Jim looks away, a pained expression on his face. “I’ve been struggling the last few days. I…I’m not sure I should have married you, I just don’t know if I love you or not.”

Jen stares at her new husband for a moment, then she runs inside the hotel room. Jim can hear muffled sobs. He feels awful for what he just said but it is true. At last his agony is out.

What do these three stories have in common? They’re stories of marriages that have gone from “the better” to the “the worse.” They’re stories of people who need to learn to love each other again and to discover th at Go d’s plan for their lives includes the person they married “for keeps.”

Many people believe that lifetime love is only for the lucky or the strong. God’s design for marriage is for every couple to know true intimacy, deep fulfillment, and the exhilarating experience of being loved just for who they are.

Yes, the design for marriage and the reality of marriage often don’t match. Each year millions of couples choose divorce, adultery, or an armed truce as a means of coping with a disappointing marriage. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Is Love only for the Lucky? No, instead hope, love, grace, a fresh start, a second chance – these are the essentials of renewing a marriage when the going gets tough.

When Bob was in high school he worked nights as a janitor in the Department of Agriculture building. Besides cleaning bathrooms and emptying wastebaskets, he was assigned a highly critical task: buffing the tile floors on the perimeter of the office compl ex.

You might not be familiar with what a buffing machine looks like. It resembles an upright vacuum cleaner with handlebars and a giant circular disk on the bottom the size of a manhole cover. As the disk spins around at the speed of light, it polishes the floor.

Using only one finger, the foreman demonstrated the relative ease of operating this high-powered machine. He slid the machine effortlessly back and forth across the tile. Together, he and the buffing machine resembled an Olympic figure skating pair, gliding on ice, responding in perfect synchronization to each other’s moves.

“There they go, Katie. This is the last move in the compulsories. They’re going to attempt a double axle. Yes! They’ve done it! A perfect 10!

“Do you think you can handle it?” the foreman asked.

“Piece of cake,” Bob replied.

As the foreman waved good-night, Bob swaggered up to the machine like John Wayne approaching a horse. Bob grabbed both handl es, clo sed his eyes, and squeezed the trigger. The machine bolted away from me like a crazed Doberman pinscher on a short leash.

Bob desperately tried to hang on as the machine careened from one side of the hallway to the other. It would bang into one side of the wall and then another. Bob consoled himself with the Russian proverb, “Every beginning is hard.” In this case it was brutal.

Then the worst case scenario happened. As Bob went past the head supervisor’s office (the Grand Poobah of the Agriculture Department), his buffing machine leaped from the floor onto his carpet. Bob stood helpless, unable to react as the buffing machine whirled round and round, driving all the dirt, wax, and foreign particles from the hallway deep into the plush pile of the chief executive’s carpet. Bob buffed the boss’ rug! Stunned, he left from the office before he could do any further damage, dragging the machine with him.

The next day he came to work prepared to pick up hi s last p aycheck. As he approached the foreman, a grin crept across his face. “I see you had a little problem last night.”

“I guess it got away from me.” he mumbled.

“Don’t worry. I cleaned it up before work this morning. The supervisor doesn’t know anything about it. You’ll get the hang of it.”

For reasons he still doesn’t understand he was given a second chance when he really didn’t deserve one. That’s the nature of grace.

You may have been pummeled, punched, and dragged down the hallway by the disappointments in your marriage. The fabric of your relationship maybe marred by deep, ugly, and stubborn memories. You may be all but certain it’s over. That’s where the power and strength of your vows can carry you through the tough times you’re facing. You can learn to love again. It’s not just luck.

Your promises to each other can put your marriage back on track. But to turn “for worse” into “for better” you will need to give and receive grace f rom one a nother. You will need to put the past behind and allow love to be rekindled. You will need to go beyond disappointment and despair and seek the beauty and reality of true intimacy. Fortunately, God is in the buiness of grace and will help you each step of the way.

A friend of ours was going through a difficult phase in his marriage when he came home one day to find the oak coat rack standing in the middle of the hallway. His wife had covered it with yellow ribbons and placed on it a note that read, “Who cares if it’s not a real oak tree? Any old oak tree will do. I love you.” His encounter with her unconditional love was a breakthrough. From that day on, their marriage started to change, for better.

On this St. Patrick’s Day remember love isn’t for the lucky, it’s for people of grace. o. I love you.” His encounter with her unconditional love was a breakthrough. From that day on, their marriage started to change, for better.

On this St. Patrick’ s Day reme mber love isn’t for the lucky, it’s for people of grace.

By Bob and Cheryl Moeller. They have a national marriage ministry. You can check it out on www.forkeepsconference.com.

Cheryl is also a stand up comic and syndicated columnist for moms. Her humor can be read on a variety of sites including www.amomslove.com. Her humor blog is www.momlaughs.blogspot.com.